Embarrassing Teenage Crushes No. 2

23 Mar

Greetings from sunny Bristol! After the perusal of Louise’s gritty, honest account of her teenage crushes, I’ve found myself in a confused state of awe, slight disgust and profound admiration. At this point in time I can think of no better way of killing half an hour than to take up her challenge. Dear reader, prepare to beetle your brows in bafflement, spit out your juice in shock and wring your hands at the sheer weirdness of it all, as we delve into the Hawk’s secret lair of humiliating adolescent crushes!!!

The Hawk’s First Forays into Adolescent Passions: a Brief Summary


1.) Tim Henman


To this day I could not tell you why I fancied Tim Henman in the late nineties. I’m not even sure that 12 year-old Natalie knew. I think maybe the Big Breakfast told me he was cool? Whatever inspired this brief phase of madness, the sad fact of the matter is that it was exacerbated by the theft of a small, laminated photograph of Mr Henman that I found on a display board in the changing rooms at my secondary school. I stole that photograph, and proceeded to carry it around in a small, tin mint box, carefully lined with tissue paper (???!?!?!?!!) in my pocket, so that I could take it out and admire my beloved’s face at any point during the school day. One day, my little brother found the Tim Tin. I vehemently denied constructing it out of love for Tim Henman – I told him that, in fact, its creation had been inspired by a hatred for Henman so strong that I intended to stick pins in the photograph, like some weird kind of voodoo doll. My fearful eyes must have betrayed me however, as my brother took the tin straight to my mother and they both laughed at it so hard that I thought it might genuinely kill them. I sobbed quietly in my room for several hours, and vowed never to tell anybody about my secret crushes ever again.


2.) Squall Leonhart


Shredder, move over. This guy has a girly, expressionless face, complicated locks and a MASSIVE FUCKING SWORD. Sure, his body was constructed out of roughly seven polygons for the majority of game-play, and he was already taken (by that BITCH, Rinoa Heartily, for those unaware of Final Fantasy VIII’s intricate plot-line), but by God was he hot. I covered my school planner with pictures of him in 1999… And possibly 2000, too. Ahem.


3.) Curtains

I was close to undiscriminating when it came to my love of boys with curtains. What’s not to love about this captivating, edgy hairstyle? The way the hair brushes gently against the forehead, the generally greasy demeanour that it adds to the wearer… I once fancied a guy at school for three straight years because of his lengthy, silky curtains. I was undeterred upon discovering that he was the school maths geek. The day he shaved those beautiful curtains off was one of the worst of my adolescent life.

…Like any phase, my curtains obsession had its peaks and troughs. A generally accepted peak being:


A humiliating trough:

15 Adam Rickitt photo.jpg


Wow – that was exhausting! And somewhat cathartic. I hope you have all enjoyed this somewhat repulsive trip down Memory Lane.




One Response to “Embarrassing Teenage Crushes No. 2”

  1. Louise March 23, 2012 at 5:10 pm #

    Squall! Classic. I totally forgot about video games. I need to add Paul Phoenix (Tekken 2 only), and Seigfried from Soul Blade!

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