Making your desk HOT with Desk Porn

17 Oct

The ever controversial issue of desks makes an appearance on the blog today. Oh desks, are they hot? Or do they belong to you? Are you willing to share? Have you voiced your concerns about the new lack of desks? Blah Blah Blah – the desk politics in this office are complex and tricky to navigate. I however have the solution for you all to enjoy.

Here is my desk:

Where Rachel spends most of her time

 

Now at the end of the day I clear everything away leaving it completely clean except for my laptop stand, keyboard and mouse which I neatly pile in the corner: job done. This obeys all the rules of the new system (just).

Now why is my desk so precious to me – well it is precious because it is so tucked away in a little corner that people don’t even see me when they walk in. This is perfect for one with a love of skeet* like mine. I secretly hear conversations that people bring in from the corridor, I hear things that are said in private when people believe no one is here. Juicy! So with such a prime desk location I of course want to keep it- how do I achieve that I hear you cry? Well I don’t use the Fiona technique of never clearing up, or the Denise technique of half clearing up, or the Sue technique of removing the plug so no one else can use the desk. No siree, I use the Desk Porn technique. I, with the help of Dr Gamble, have covered my desk in a collection of porn specific to my own loves, that makes a clear statement: this desk might be empty but it isn’t yours. You feel uncomfortable surrounded by my porn, you don’t want to look at it. You don’t want to be associated with it. No thank you. You certainly don’t want to buy it from the top shelf of your local cornershop, so why would you want to sit surrounded by it?!

In this first image we see a picture of my future husband, Tinie Tempah. Once I am Dr. Tempah I imagine my rap career with kick right off and it wont matter that I am a failed academic as Tinie will fund my research out of the goodness of his millions.  The picture is from Crack magazine, strangely they have managed to publish many issues of this magazine with a typo in the title, as you can see I have corrected this. Who’d have thought one as illiterate at me would find an error in a publication?! To the right we see a nice collection of mustard yellow things PhGifted to me from Fiona, just in case Tinie wasn’t a clear enough reminder it was my desk the mustard is going to confirm it for sure.

Tinie in mustard yellow - the ultimate craic

 

In the second image we can see a nice picture of a good Neolithic site on the Isle of Man and a silver llama from South America. In a department where prehistorians are ill understood and non literate societies seen as second class citizens these inexplicable images are likely to overwhelm and panic the simple historian, historical archaeologist, history of mediciner or classicist and bring them out in a rash – like when I see the Romans. Moving to the left you can see the first of my Porn For Women photos. Dr Gamble left me this little collection, apparently they were her only friends through her PhD and without them to get her excited she would never have made it though with her feminity in tact. In many ways I feel her gifting them to me was a sleight on my character, but compared to the SLUT pills that came with them they are not that objectionable.

Mmmmm sexy

Finally we can see a lovely picture of the Depp-ster in Pirates. The true wonder of this card is that when you open it it sings the Pirates theme song in an ill-tuned electronic kind of a way. I am waiting for a big argument in the room, or our attempt to steal the boat from marine sciences to whip out the card and its music to maximum effect! Above this we see a super super sexy Neolithic carved stone ball, you cannot fail to be moved by these bad boys. Ooooo sexy. Finally we have my laminated MA thesis. Laminated so it can be read at sea or in the bath. Some people have expressed shock that a) I got a distinction for it and b) that I ever managed to be so succinct. However the lack of a comma between the reallys confirms at least that it was all my own work!

Laminated theme song joy.

Time wasted on this post: 30mins [I was distracted by all the porn several times]

 

*Skeet – translates as gossip or craic or news – although none of those translations truly capture its meaning and it may take years for a non-Manx to understand how, where and why to use the term. It is a Manx Gaelic word that is used constantly on the Isle of Man, many Manx people have no idea the word is Gaelic. Indeed when I left Mann aged 18 I presumed everyone used the word and was cruelly shot down by those pretentious Camb kids who mocked my use of non-English. The one anthropology written on the Manx suggests skeet is our national past time and the one thing that makes us truly Manx.

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One Response to “Making your desk HOT with Desk Porn”

  1. Luiseach October 17, 2011 at 4:53 pm #

    If you’re claiming the poem to the sea as your diss I demand co-authorship. From now on your dissertation will be known as Crellin and Nic Eoin 2010 (see, I kindly gave you first authorship). Also speaking of succinct things, see here for the BEST ABSTRACT EVER: http://www.improbable.com/2011/10/14/ig-nobel-winner-writes-best-abstract-ever/

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